A Journey of Worth

Recently I have been hearing a lot of conversation regarding the subject of finding worth in a broken world. My journey to discovering my self worth has been one that I have been on since I was a teenager. It has probably been the hardest journey I have ever taken, and I have come a long way thanks to the grace and tender love of my Almighty Prince.

Due to the recent coversations I have been a part of I have felt led to share a part of my journey here. I am going to be completely vulnerable with you guys. Even though the idea of being so vulnerable and awkward terrifies me more than I can express, I know my story should be shared, and I pray that it helps maybe just one person realize that, no matter what, you are worthy of a love so far beyond human imagining that once you find it your life will never be the same again.

So here we go.

I was 13 years old and on a summer camp retreat with my church's youth group. It was my second summer camp of my life, and I was thrilled to spend a week away from home with my friends.

We were staying at a hotel with several other youth groups from all over the country, and my group of girlfriends ended up meeting a group of guys from another church. I wasn't so sure about them, but my friends were head over heels so who was I to say anything?

Every night that week the guys would call our hotel room, and my friends would pass around the phone. Each one of them was giddy with excitement as they would take their turn talking to the guys.

I have to say sitting in a hotel room watching a TV show I didn't even like while my friends ignored me was not how I had planned my week to go.

One night it seemed that one of my friends suddenly remembered I was still there, and through a series of events I still don't remember the phone ended up in my hands with my friends encouraging me to talk to these guys.

My heart was racing inside my chest. I'd never really talked on the phone with a boy before. I didn't want to talk to them, but if I didn't would my friends think less of me? If I did as they asked would they finally remember that I was still there?

Reluctantly, I put the phone up to my ear and found it was on speaker so I could hear the entire group of guys. I didn't know what to say so I listened. They were trying to figure out which girl I was. I'd spent the last couple days with all of them, but that didn't seem to have made much of an impression on them.

That was when I heard the phrase that first set me on this rocky path. I heard one of the guys exclaim, "Oh guys, wait, she's the fat one!" I heard an uproar of laughter so loud that I still hear it to this day when I'm having a bad day.

My heart sank. I wasn't beautiful. I wasn't a princess. I wasn't the heroine of any story. I was the fat one, and I was shattered.

Looking back on my journey now to that day it seems so silly how one ignorant young boy could derail my heart so easily. Yet, I don't know if I would wish to change that chapter of my story. I have grown so much and learned so much from having that experience that I don't know if I'd be able to stand where I am now had it not happened.

Eighteen years have passed since that day. I fell so far. I compromised my standards of modesty and hid the real me away in the deepest corners of my heart in exchange for any attention from guys. I felt so hollow inside. I forgot who I was.

Thankfully, I have an Almighty Prince who sees even the darkest corners of my heart. He sees every insecurity and failure, and still He loves me. He found the real me sitting shattered and forgotten deep in the recesses of my heart. He picked me up and held me so tightly. Of course I did what any normal person would do.

I ran.

How could someone so pure and so holy love something as ugly as me? I wasn't worthy of His attention. He was better off without me. I had shoved him away with the foolish naive child I had been. I knew He was always there, and I knew my choices were hurting Him, but I ignored Him. Years I lived that way. How could He still love me after how badly I treated Him? I found myself asking Him all of this, and do you know what I found?

He loved me unconditionally. He was patient with me. I sobbed as I heard him when He told me I am so beautiful. I am His princess. I am worth dying for. Piece by piece He broke away the mask I had put on, and piece by piece He started putting the real me back together.

I have come so far since that day eighteen years ago. Now, I still have days where I feel like that shattered thirteen year old girl, but they grow fewer and fewer the farther I get. My Prince continues to romance my heart and I fall more and more in love with Him every day.

Today I can tell you this...

I am many things. I am a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I love to create things. I love laughing so hard my sides hurt. I love to make other people laugh. I love trees. I love being in thr forest. I love stories. I love exploring the world around me. I love fantasy and the world of 'what if's'. I reluctantly admit that I am a hopeless romantic (this is one I still struggle with allowing people to see). I dream of one day being a wife. I love singing. I am deeply loved.

I can also tell you that I am also sometimes insecure. I get scared. I get weary. I am a bit of a klutz. I can be short tempered. I can be be unintentionally cruel. I am disorganized. I am easily distracted. I still struggle to not hide parts of myself that I fear people will break.

I am broken pieces that have had to be glued back together so often that I am sure everyone who sees me has to be able to see every single crack in my surface.

I wake up in the morning and the image that reflects back at me in the mirror is one that I struggle to love everyday. I still see every crack on the surface.

My Prince sees those cracks too, and He loves me all the more for them. He holds me tenderly and reminds me of who I am. He helps me to see myself as He sees me.

I still fail a lot. I still run away, but every time He stays with me. He patiently waits to pick me up and for me to give him my broken pieces so He can put them back together. All of my broken pieces are a part of me, and while they may not meet society's standards of beauty they show the amazing journey I have been a part of and are a testimony of how incredible and gracious my Prince is. I don't want to hide them anymore.

Everyday I am surrounded by the constant battle of the standards society says I have to reach against the standards of what I know truly matter. Society takes truth and twists it till all we see is so distorted you can't see reality from the lie anymore.

I can tell you this with all certainty because I know it to be truth. We are so much more than the shell that houses our soul. We are so much more than a number on a scale. We are so much more than the color of our hair or skin. We are more than what society deceives us into believing. We are so much more!!!!

Christ, our Prince, has created us in His image. We are His. He craves our affection and hearts more than you can possibly fathom. He wants the real you in all of its broken pieces. Even if you don't remember who the real you is, He can help you find it again. Just think about it, if you were the only person to ever exist on this earth through all of time He would have still gone to the cross and died for you just so that you could be with Him for all eternity.

So now I stand before you at this point in my journey stronger, but still far from perfect. I know and am learning that I am worthy because He is worthy. I know and am learning I have so much to offer because He has given me much.. I know and am learning that only I can share what I have with the world around me because Christ has given it specifically to me to give.

Some of you who read my blog know me in real life, and to others of you I am just another blogger made up of a picture and words, but know this, I cherish each person who takes time to read my posts and allows me to share a small (yet extremely important) piece of my heart. You are loved! Let's shatter society's standerds and be all we are created to be!